I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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