'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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