today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Is her dick bigger than yours?
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