Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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