The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
