I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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