Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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