I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
