goodnight i made you a song goodbye
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
she woke up with a sticky ear
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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