Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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