not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
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Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The power of my boobs compel you
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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