She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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