What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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