she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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