I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm getting married
To pizza
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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