i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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