I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
How naked do you want me to be?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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