I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
