I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
