k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
