She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
