bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
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scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
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Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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