if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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