Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
