can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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