i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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