She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
