my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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