So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
