I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
