I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
