dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
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I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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