who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
