It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
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Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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