I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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