last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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