Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
