so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
