I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
