I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
