Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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