WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
