wakey wakey hands off snakey
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
