I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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