I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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