Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
