My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
