I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
