I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
