Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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