I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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