My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I am naked and annoyed.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
