she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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