ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
